Did nobody at Downing Street ask: ‘Er, what if we get caught?’

WHEN people first heard that there’d been a party in Downing Street last Christmas, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But not from me. I was quiet on the matter because back then, I may have occasionally met a few people in my neck of the woods for a quiet beer. This was […] ...

WHEN people first heard that there’d been a party in Downing Street last Christmas, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But not from me.

I was quiet on the matter because back then, I may have occasionally met a few people in my neck of the woods for a quiet beer.

Why did police do nothing as Downing Street prosecco flowed?

This was probably a technical Tier Two no-no, but everyone who dropped by had just had Covid, and we all knew enough about the virus by that stage to know antibodies were swimming around in our veins like Pac-Man.

This meant we couldn’t be infected, and we couldn’t infect anyone else, so in the big scheme of things we weren’t really doing anything wrong.

However, it now transpires that Downing Street was also hosting parties NINE MONTHS earlier, in May 2020. And that strikes me as just plain mad.

Back then, none of us had the first clue what Covid could do.

People said millions could die and that you could catch it from someone in ­Bristol, even if you were on a hill in the Lake District. We were all scared stiff.

Every night on the news, we saw people in hospital breathing their last, and there were interviews with doctors who said they simply didn’t know how to treat them.

My 60th birthday, in April 2020, was celebrated with the arrival of absolutely no one at all.

And yet, in Downing Street, they were “taking advantage of the lovely weather” by gathering in great numbers to relax after a hard day at work.

How come Plod sat back and did nothing?

Apparently, at one of the parties, there was dancing. What to? Boris The Cider probably.

What troubles me most of all is that these people were running the country and no one thought: “Hang on. What if we get caught?”

Or worse, they did think that and decided they’d be able to weather the storm.

That’s arrogance on a scale not seen since Hitler set off for Poland.

And what were the police doing? They must have been at Downing Street. They’re a permanent presence there.

So how come they sat back and did nothing as the Prosecco flowed?

Every single time anyone else had a small outdoor gathering last Christmas, a red-trousered neighbour would call 999 and Plod would be round instantly in an epileptic fit-inducing blizzard of flashing lights.

Grown men had to hide under beds to evade capture.

So did Boris have to hide under a bed in the spring? Did Carrie?

It seems not, but now they’re going to need more than a bed to hide under.

They’re going to need a bunker.

Honestly, they couldn’t have been more stupid if they’d said the dress code was “black up”.

Changing chemistry

THE important-sounding Royal Society of Chemistry has suddenly announced that the chemistry taught at our schools is “stale” and should be changed to include sustainability and climate change.

Well, I admit that I didn’t pay much attention to any science lessons when I was a kid. But how do you change chemistry?

We can’t suddenly decide, to keep a bunch of bored kids happy, that kryptonite is real and that you can power a spaceship using dilithium crystals.

And nor can you realistically argue that Marie Curie was an ignoramus who didn’t know half as much about the subject as the mighty intellectual colossus that is Greta Thunberg.

Sheri is a real TV treat


Sheridan Smith was excellent in Four Lives[/caption]

BEFORE the Four Lives mini-series aired on TV, I was running around telling everyone who’d listen that this true story about the murder of four gay men by serial killer Stephen Port would be three hours of the BBC waving around a Pride flag while lecturing us about the need to be less homophobic.

I was wrong. It was extremely well handled but, better than that, Sheridan Smith was electrifying.

The scene where she gives the eulogy to her murdered son was one of the best performances I’ve ever seen anywhere.

I must confess that when I sat next to her on the Jonathan Ross show last month, I’d never heard of her.

But I’ll be paying attention in future because, God, she’s good.

How does Ed do it?

IN recent times, the delightful Ed Sheeran has bought and modified five houses that surround his country pile in Suffolk.

He’s also built a private pub, a treehouse, an underground music room and a suspiciously turquoise “wildlife pond”.

And now comes news that he’s to build his own church. All of which begs the question: How the bloody hell does he get planning permission for all these schemes and wheezes?

I recently applied to turn an empty barn into a cafe and was told by planners to get lost.

Swear by dogs

WE were treated yesterday to some heartwarming photographs of a toddler who had covered herself and most of her house in nappy rash cream.

Her mum said later: “I couldn’t hold in the laughter.”

I wish I could say I had the same reaction when I went into the living room yesterday morning to find my puppies had wolfed down an entire packet of fizzy sweets, several pieces of nicotine gum and a tub of hand cream (not mine).

All of which had bounced off their diaphragms then come back into the world, explosively, as vomit.

I couldn’t hold in the swearing.

My biopic request is in now


If Julia Fox can play Madonna in a biopic…[/caption]

IT has been rumoured that a smoking-hot 31- year-old actress called Julia Fox has been in talks about playing 63-year-old Madonna in a new biopic about the star’s life.

Right. So on that basis, if they ever get round to making a biopic about me, can I make a request that the part of Jeremy Clarkson is given to Liam ­Hemsworth, right.


…Then lets have Liam Hemsworth playing Jeremy Clarkson[/caption]

Next up: A brick for Nick

WHEN I heard that a man with a hammer had attacked a statue of two people called Prospero and Ariel, I wondered what terrible thing they had done to deserve such a thing.

Had they foolishly claimed that people who menstruate are called women?

Gary Stone

Statues are now being destroyed because of who created them[/caption]

Or had they once bought a bag of sugar that had been made on a plantation in Jamaica.

No. It turns out that they are characters from a Shakespeare play. Ariel was imprisoned in a tree and Prospero saved him.

It’s not exactly a riveting storyline but it’s not exactly offensive either.

However, it turns out that the statue was made by an artist who may have once sexually abused his dog. And that’s why the man attacked it with a hammer.

So now we’ve reached the point where stuff is being destroyed because of who created it.

Which means that whenever Nicholas Witchell comes on the television to tell us about something royal, we should throw a brick through the screen.

Because he once sat on a protesting lesbian.

Tech-ing the Mick

THE British Museum is set to make millions by not selling a collection of paintings by the famous artist JMW Turner.

Instead, collectors will be able to buy what are called non-fungible tokens (NFTs), which is tech speak for “digital versions”.

Rex Features

The British Museum is cashing in on the NFT trend[/caption]

So what they are actually buying are photocopies. And they won’t be cheap.

An NFT created by graphic designer Mike Winkelmann (me neither) recently sold for more than £50million.

Which confirms something I’ve thought for some time. Everyone in the art world is raving mad.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this:
Available for Amazon Prime